If you try suppress a sneeze, you might weaken a blood vessel in your brain and die. This, I think, is a perfect example of a life philosophy that requires no further explanation.

doi ciuvăcei în chiloți tetra
se scobesc în nas și așteaptă să se răcească berea.

el își pune un prosop soios în poală
"ca să nu se murdărească";
mănâncă cu furculița și cuțitul.
toarnă bere în paharul murdar de vin
pahar în care se vindea votkă ambalată, ieftină
și ca pe tărie, o dă peste cap

paharele se lipesc de masa unsuroasă

mucurile de marlboro se zvârcolesc ca râmele în conserva de la balcon.

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  Here’s how it all happened. They all got bored at a certain point. The spectators.

 At a certain point, all the actors sucked. The game was on and nobody wanted to watch and nobody wanted to play. And there were fewer spectators in the theatre than there were actors.

 Now, all the seats in the theatre are taken.  Everybody loves coming to the theatre now. Don’t think of it as cultural boom.
 Think of it as illegal dog fighting, corridas, cock fighting, illegal boxing, all that crap. Only much better.
 Think of it as people paying loads to see legal crime.
 This is nothing more than buying the experience of live human suffering.

 How we achieved this is, there’s this drug that works wonders.  This is how all these spectators can flag a content smile of bestiality at the scent of human bloodshed.
 This is why there is a lake of child feces and small intestine dissolving in chlorhydric acid on stage.

 Nowadays junkies don’t have to go robbing people to get money for dope.
 If you’re in need of money, Come to the theatre, take the drug and go on stage. We are hiring.
Nowadays junkies are called actors and nowadays actors are junkies.
 There’s no talent behind these creative impersonators of human emotions, there’s only the drug that makes you believe that is your real life. They have no idea that they are impersonating characters in front of an audience.

 Fuck 3D.
 Fuck TV.

 This drug – it’s the new deal. And it’s only legal in this theatre. Pardon me. It’s only available in this theatre.
 This drug – it’s the renaissance of drama.

 Fuck soap operas.
 Fuck the circus.
 This is the real freak show. The Greek theatre is history and that history is buried in books and those books are buried in shelves and those shelves are buried in libraries and nobody knows what those are because all they care about it this theatre.

 The previous play directed in this theatre was really bad.  This was the whole point. It was so wrong that they all came to see it.
 Oh, the actors’ performance was immaculate. I mean, they really identified themselves with the roles they had to play.
 The advertising posters just said “Children”.
The spectators don’t want children playing the Christmas stories, they want the live reenactment of the crucifixion.

 These kids, they go on stage, dressed as a cat and some dogs and a tree and a bee. I mean, it’s a play done by children, what did you expect.
 Veins throbbing with the imagination unleashed by the drug we gave them.
 Picture that you have been holding inside you, for a week, a massive shit. Picture the shit hitting the toilet bowl after that time. This is how the drug enters their young bodies. Knife through butter.

 It’s no biggie if you forget your lines. The lyrics don’t matter when you’ve got a gory video.

 One dog-kid is chasing the cat-kid trying to bite him.
 A pair of dog-kids are dry-humping each other.
 And the kids, they don’t know what’s really going on, because they think they’re a dog or a cat or a tree or a bee. They truly believe, with the naivety of their minds and the purity of their hearts and the chemical superiority of the drug messing with their sponge-brains. They truly believe they are what we told them they are.

 And would you like some more blood with that violence, sir?

They're all drooling over this bone under the name of theatre.
 The rich, blood-thirsty businessmen,  kids who grew weary of videogame violence and needed something more, housewives boiling with anger inside, craving someone else’s misery, penniless artists, in search of new experiences.

Ephemeral schizophrenia is what this drug is.

Meet me. I’m the guy who benefited the most from this drug. I’m the artist in search of new experiences. I’m the kid who got bored of videogame gruesomeness. And now, I’m the blood-thirsty, rich guy. I’m the former schizophrenic. I was the prisoner of my foul imagination and they cured me and I didn’t like that one bit. I used to be Hitler. There were voices in my head and they chased them away.
 All I was left with was this longing. Long story short, it is me who invented this drug. I revolutionized the world of theatre. I struck it rich.
 I shat a diamond.

 The actors on the scene and the spectators in the seats and on the stairs, all of them are my actors.  I’m the director and soon I’ll be the dictator. I’m the only real spectator in the play I’m directing. These will be my followers.

 I’ll spare you the scientific data, the chemical recipe regarding the drug. What needs to be proclaimed is - it works. You take the pill and you read the name of the character you’re supposed to impersonate, and there is no more you. There is only the character. You are him.
 You improvise, only you don’t.

 I gave the bee-kid the drug, and all he knows is he is bee. Therefore he buzzes, collects pollen and stings the intruders.
 And the tree-kid. He just is, he barely moves. Depending on his imagination, he may have stopped breathing.
 Oh, don’t get it up in your pants. Don’t think that the tree-kid will start taking in CO2 and produce oxygen and glucose.
 However, the bee-kid does see the flower-hands of the tree-kid and chews on them as to pollinate them. The body of the tree-kid reacts, so the bee-kid tries to sting the tree-kid.

Before the play, we inserted a long needle filled with venom inside the bee-kid’s anus, just to make it more realistic. Inside the bee-kid’s butt, attached to the needle, is a polyethylene tube filled with chlorhydric acid. This was needed because the insides rupture when the bee stings.

 When the drug was first introduced in this theatre, the former director strongly opposed.
 The masses have had a taste of human blood and they thirsted for more, so he needed to be persuaded. I drugged him and I sent him a letter and he was to be the lover in Romeo and Juliet.
 Yes, I know, I know, how childish and dull of me.
 He had to play Romeo because he was Romeo. Such passion in that man. Went all the way through.
Totally stuck with the script.

 And this is how I became the theatre director.

 The bee-kid with the intestines and anus melted in acid. My idea.
 The tree-kid gone into a venom-induced come.
 The cat-kid with the teeth marks all over and his Van Gogh-shaped ears.
 Tonight’s play. All my ideas.

 Wrestling is your conservative, lame dad travelling in public transport.
 This theatre is your rocker, bounty hunter, cool uncle on a Harley Davidson.

 What you need to know now is the drug I give the actors is not so pure. It lasts for 3 hours at most.
 The real product I created while in the mental hospital is supposed to have permanent effect.
 Think of it as the opposite of all the drugs they used to combat schizophrenia.
 This product - I have it. I have no patience for try-outs, experimenting and whatnot. Tonight I use it for the first time, and so are the spectators. Don’t tell them that, it’s a surprise.

 Now, the drug and the actors on stage are not the most expensive, hard-to-get things to make these plays work. This high-quality entertainment requires tremendous effort.
 Since I can’t serve popcorn in a theatre. Since I can’t serve crackers to someone who just paid enough money to end world hunger.
 I have to serve the ultimate food.
Ortolans, they are called, these tiny delicious songbirds. Illegal to sell as food.  Captured live and force-fed till they are ready to pop. Then they are quickly drowned in Armagnac, plucked and roasted whole. They are eaten in one mouthful - guts, bones and all.

 In case you’re wondering why all the spectators and some of the actors are wearing gas masks, it’s because tonight is also about caution.
 See, the actors who are not wearing masks are impersonating Jews. Pardon me, were impersonating Jews.
I’ll spare you the arguments of why this is right. You can find them in my book, “Mein Kampf”.

 Jesus promised to come back, he didn’t. Hitler didn’t promise, but he will by means of tonight’s play.

Tonight's theatrical props are:
 -a special syringe for myself, containing the purified, permanent drug.
- special inhalers within the gas masks, containing the purified, permanent drug in gas form, ready to be breathed in when I press this button.
-special instructions that are to be passed on to all the spectators. And reading the will be mandatory.

 When the time comes, I will inject myself, looking at the paper that says Adolf Hitler, and I will press the button that will drug the audience as they read my instructions.

 Now, as the rest of the Jews are shot on stage, the chefs are preparing the delicacies. The last 3000 of their species, the Ortolans, for the 3000 spectators in this massive theatre.

 The trick is, the audience won’t get to eat the birds. As the audience is served at the end of this act, they will have to read the instructions before they commence the feast. The instruction plus the drug they will breathe will turn them into loyal followers of Adolf Hitler, and that’s me.
 As of tonight, I will have an army.

 At the moment, the Ortolans are brought in front of every spectator. They all take the instructions on the plate. Their masks are on, I inject myself and I press the button. I’m dying to hear the whole audience erupt in a deafening Sieg Heil.

 And the audience. They all start to tweet and chirp like birds. Some of them are moving their hands as though trying to flap wings.

 So I grab the instruction from a plate, near the burning bird. And I read it.
 The Ortolan, or Ortolan bunting, is a bird in the bunting family Emberizidae, also called the gardener bird. It is a gastronomical delicacy, being protected by law against extinction and inhuman treatment.

 Fuck.
 And.
 Jews were definitely involved in this disaster.